It all ended

Wasn't I waiting for this moment from long. It finally has arrived. Perhaps, this is how India felt when it became Independent. And I want to live every second of this moment. This was what I eagerly waited for and looked forward to all these days. This is the moment that fuelled me all these days. It provided me all the energy and focus all these days.
The shocker, the nightmare, the unpleasant of all feelings when blended together may not weigh against this. It is now going to be a cremation of the past.

Endured it all for about month and a half. What a sigh of relief it is !!! Nothing so far has forced me stretch to the max, squeezing everything out of me the way this did. To top it all, all this happened out of pure unwillingness.

Intrusion into one's personal space is the worst and the last thing that one would ever least want to experience. And living with it for such a long time is unimaginable.

Literal madness, tear-filled eyes, sheer unwillingness, extreme repulsion from the office environment, fear of work, desperate-wait to go home, frequent phone calls for diversion, longest work hours, sacrificed week ends, foregone food
the project that I was part of made a mess out of my life.

It was a feeling of being jailed and a feeling of slavery.

The mind went all blank for a while. It was indeed a shocker.

Being constantly at it to finish off the work, amid an environment like this is what I had to coerce my mind to do all these days.

The mind was never willing.

I had to never let the project that I had all my love for down amidst all these.
At the same time, I had to manage the other work. I was sandwiched between both these but finally tided over it all somehow and saw to it that the RAR project did not suffer a setback for any reason.

I want to embark on a new journey as this all ends putting all behind.

Thanking almighty that I finally saw it through.

Enduring it at the moment


Yes, as the label clearly suggests, I'm enduring it at the moment only hoping to see light at the end of the tunnel. And guess what the time is at the moment? 2 am and am still unable to sleep at all. Was awake till 12:45 before deciding to sleep, but something is just stopping me from sleeping. Obviously the feeling has started playing on me very strongly, of late. The feeling that it's high time I awoke and started focussing on my career, the burning desire to succeed and intense feeling to pursue my dream MBA. This is not letting me sleep at all.
I am just eagerly looking forward to that day when I would be released from the current project.
That would mean so much to me in terms of freedom at work and an opportunity to grow the way I want.
Amidst all this, the appraisal factor has also started affecting me a little.
After all the hard work to make the application take off strongly, not even getting an opportunity to hear good things about myself wrt the application is very painful.
Ironically, to make things seem even more stupid, the appraisal would be handled by a person who doesn't neither know the gravity of the issues addressed nor has seen me the things that I worked on. Most importantly, he doesn't know the kind of important contributions I have made to the application. It really feels bad to know something of this sort.
The certification yet to be completed and the task of 2 documents to be submitted to KShop have been worrying me too.
And things have not been progressing an inch on all these fronts due to the unpleasant feeling that has set in due to the new project.
I have to address and close al these issues soon to elbow myself into the future that beckoi

Yesterday was Diwali and I was not at home celebrating it.

Reason : Project related work worrying me and my future staring into my face.
Mental Agony is what is making me blog and the time now is 3 AM in the morning. wasn't able to sleep until about 3 even yesterday. What is this life ?
How long will the same thing continue..

I ve just been punishing myself like this for a long long time now.
The problem is when I think of attaining something in life, I become over-obsessed with it and it usually take its toll on me.
The reason once again in this case is pertinent to my closest thing to my heart, as it has always been, MBA. I am literally passionate about it. Very much.
I have had a see-saw of emotions as I have passed thro' many phases to reach where I am now and still staring down the barrel still unsure and uncertain about how I go to my destination.
A very recent decision of mine is proving out to be digging my own grave gradually as the change in project that I asked for many times is becoming a nightmare day after day and I have started hating it very much.
Is it because I am over-ambitious that I am facing all these issues. Sometimes I ask for too much from myself without knowing the feasibility of the same.
Had i drawn a line before by thinking about the whole scenario, could i have avoided this?
Perhaps, yes.... but it is easier said than done.

The problem is that I asked for a project change to prove myself as a leader thro' some kind of team accomplishments in my new project.
But, it seems like it has boomeranged on me for various reasons.

1. The technical deficiency wrt the new project as compared to my old internal project has started doing me in gradually. I am feeling really down and disappointed in my new project.
Considering this, how can I quickly establish myself and keep pushing and motivating myself to keep performing.
The zeal for the same is gradualy disappearing as the focus has slowly taken a different track which is my higher studies now.

2. The client project is a different ball game altogether and I am definitely going to take quite some time to get used to that rigour and I have just disturbed myself from a fully stable position to a very volatile and unstable one which I am at the moment.

Who should I blame for this ? :(

3. To add fuel to fire, the atmosphere at my new project is not all that welcome. :(
Is it because I am not an extrovert ? Partly, yes.

But, there is more to it than this. The new project team and the account people do n't have an embracing attitude to make inway for a new comer.

The Manager especially is one I am hating the most. He doesn't take me into confidence and that puts me off at the very first intant.
His attitude as a leader is very very poor.
There is a huge communication gap between him and the team.
He does n't clarify things clearly when approached to ask about anything and gets involved in his work.
He doesn't make the team members feel important.
He underminds me in meetings, mails, listening to pleas and other things turning to me lastly, to say/ listen-to anything.
He doesn't communicate everything to me. :(
"THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM " were the words used when told the reason for falling behind schedule.
I really fear aproaching him for anything as he has a pre-conceived notion about me that I am a liability and not an asset to the project. :(

He expects too much of us and me and it being a new kind of work, is becoming really tough to match his expectations.

I had come to the new project to carve a niche for myself in the new one like I have in the old one with a fresh start and win the confidence of my new manager and script atleast a little success story at my new project that I can take home as a value-add and eventually proving a point for my role change, that is quite critical for my career aspiration to be fulfilled

To add to it,
I don't feel important at my new project.
I don't feel I am contributing something concrete that gives me a sense of satisfaction.
I am forced to learn all new things that I am totally against at this juncture in my career.
I am not getting to lead even in a little way but instead finding it tough myself to survive here.
I am not geting personal time to think and plan about myself.
I am not able to focus even a little on my favorite thing Toastmasters and all. :((



With everything going against me this way,.......... ( I realy need not fill this in :( :( :(.......... )

It's 4 now.

Wrapping it up admonishing myself that it is imperative I addressed these issues at the earliest.
Backing myself, I am off to sleep now.

As I chalk out a very decent plan, there are a few things that immediately come to my mind

1. Organising myself and my thought.
2 . Taking care of the little complacency that I get even when I achieve little things.
3. Learning to do work at a brisk pace.
4. Hitting the road of CTM sooner than later.
5. Improvising ways to comunicate better in English by the day.
6. Learning, internalising and leveraging the beauty of Yoga.
7. Extensive reading to think, speak and be better.
8. Beefing up the technical knowledge and insights.
9. Channelising my immense energy and potential as lot of that of mine goes untapped.

These are few bullet points that I need to turn my immediate attention to

That's all blogging for now, time for some action :)

The time has come to put my hands up and make every tick counted. After careful analysis of what's available on the web, I seem quite confident about my the candidature that I can build for an MBA.

Right now the things I should focus on as I plunge ahead into the future are

On the resume boosting front---

A. Strong extra-curriculars
1. Building a strong foundation at toastmasters by contributing immensely to it as a member, officebearer within and outside the clubs as well through educative sessions and the like.
This is one such big opportunity that I can focus highly on and make counted in a big big way.
Target President / VP - Ed by the next time.
2. Technical blog, articles and discussion forums ---> Microsoft MVP

Strong community service
1. Do something innovative to carry on the good work at sneham and contribute to the happenings at sneham, and involve in its activities much more and make it a successful happening.
Telling myself - Remember, the success of me is largely dependent of how successfully I contribute to the proceedings of Sneham.
2. Teaching the underprivileged and the needy.

Quality Work-experience
1. As a Team-lead, should carve a niche by doing something really solid.
( still to be thought-of even more clearly though) ( KM-Prime / Prima award / Best - project award )
2. Things I can boast of and almost done in this section are
a. Most Vaulable player award
b. Power programmer award
c. Best trainee award with 5.0 CGPA.
d. Most Spirited team award
e. Highest KCU award ( if things turn out as expected )

Hobbies.
1. Reading books
2. Yoga and skating.


On building a strong case and further adding innovative ways in refining and executing resume builiding aspects

1. Should re-search all possible sources on
a. Why MBA ? Why now ? and why X b-school
b. Contributions to the B-school.
b. All other possible MBA related questions related to leadership, failures, accomplishments and team-work.
( taken a right step in this direction by ordering for the book in Amazon, need to do a lot of brainstorming in this regard to arrive at a perfect path and picture )

A solid GMAT and TOEFL.
If I get these aspects right as planned, there is no reason why I can't make it to one among the holy trinity.

This broadly covers in an exhaustive way what I was deliberating from a very long time to give a proper shape to my plan for hitting the MBA. I am really happy that I could finally give a very decent shape to that now. :)

Believe me, finally I have something to cheer about and I only hope this blog will turn things all for the better for me unlike the insipid life that it has been so far.

There have been many occasions when I have noticed performers around me and told to myself ! I wish I was one. The intent, the desire, the inspriation, the motivation and the determination hit a high at that moment that I feel like conquering the world. But the same doesn't stay on and this has happened time and again.

I think the route cause for all this problem lies in the fact that the company and the environs that I live in take me away from the reality and thinking so much that I never know what I am doing. In other words, the friends that I have do not contribute to even a pinch of inspiration.
But, why should they, it is bad on my part to expect that frm my friends, coz' they are in no way responsible for my career and future. The fact is that I am losing track due to the all this and I need to find a way out of this. I need to spend more time self-interrospecting and going about doing what I plan and intend to do.

I fail to think, plan and though I do, I fail to materialize all that courtesy the environment is not at all conducive. I have to work hard to change my environment and make things work for me.
I am eagerly looking forward to see myself as a performer that can make me as well as people around me proud !!!

Relying on oneself for all things is never going to let one down and make one feel sorry and bad about anything. It means having the supreme power to do anything within oneself.

But, that can never be as easy as thought of.

I want to transform myself from being a virtual parasite as I am now into a fully independent individual making productive use of time that i have in my hands and persisting with the self belief that it would take me to the desired destination on one fine day...........

Yes, this is what I mean by saying relying on oneself, to grab every single opportunity to realise the dreams and making a calamity also turn into an opportunity is wht is the need of the hour for me.

I really hate to depend on somebody for a better fortune and feel depressed and sorrow whn it is conditional.

I am the master of my destiny and that is how it should be till the end....

Afterall, how can I let a fool take control of my life and be resposible for anything good that happens in my life,

How can I live at the mercy of a fool to change my life all for the better,

The time has come to act and act to shape my destiny.....

Marriage and the company of a girl for the rest of the life to share all happiness and sorrows. The very thought itself invokes a pleasant feeling in my mind.

Isnt it really nice to have a own girl for life, Oh man! I really love that.

Very recently, I lost the best girlfriend of mine who supported me all through for about 3 years.
Was a highly emotional moment for me that dint let me focus on anything for many days. Still I dont seem to be fully recovered from the shock. Sometimes, I remember her so much that I feel like calling her immediately.

To lose somebody with whom ones emotions are shared is really painful and the pain is beyond expression. I am eagerly looking forward to having a beautiful understanding and caring girl for my life with whom I can always spend some nice and sweet moments. That brings back and reminds me of the goal or task I have set for myself in my life. A quality and powerful MBA that can shake and change me all for the better and for the rest of the life, coz' I want to give my beloved life partner a life that will leave her smiling all the way through.

I am pressing for things to happen but they dont seem to be falling in place and though they do, not in a convincing manner. It's simply resulting in restlessness more and more.

I am really desperate sometimes for the things to happen. I really dont find somebody to express all my headaches and issues of this kind. My blog seems to be the best friend sometimes. I really love my blog and feel light at heart when i put my thoughts in it. But do I blog often, No, I dont. There is a serious lack of discipline in things I do. I really dont know when would I learn to do things. Wish there is an end in sight to all my problems.

I want to start feeling comfortable about myself and stamp my presence in many ways than I usually am doing.

At any cost, this journey that I have set out on has to go on, has to stop at many points to think, re-think and introspect myself, prepare a plan for the future, re-visit, re-do and eventually land up where I want to be on one fine day.

I firmly know that I can do all this, but, I have not been motivating myself enough.

Day breaks and day dawns, but the value-add has been minimal for quite many days now.

But, its not going to be so from now on...

Things should start happening from now on...

I am getting very emotional about myself and my future as I write this...

After all, was it not for the sake of this that I have sacrificed many things till now,

Was this not for this that I have been punishing myself to work hard to perform better and better...

And despite this, if that path is getting a beating, I am not going to be a mere spectator.

There are lot of things to be addressed and I am going to take one at a time from now on....

If i cant achieve it, none on earth ever can............

I 'm hating it. Just hating it.

Dreaming of many many things. But failing to materialize any of them.

Where are things going wrong.

I am failing to manage myself, my time, my thinking and everything that it takes to succeed.

Of late, I have found that I ve just been killing time.

There is a lot to be done, lot of ground to cover, lots of goals to chase, a well cut out target to accomplish.

But i ve been lacking clarity on all fronts.

I have not been resolute at all.

Days are passing by, but not much effort being put in.

Yes, I ve achieved quite a few things but none of them has ever given me personal satisfaction.

Then, how can I claim those as my achivements with pride when they dont satisfy me even.

Where am I heading ? No Clarity.

What am I doing ? No clarity.

What have I done ? No clarity as to whether it will take me to my destination ship.

Why all this confusion ? When will all this end ?

I am finding hard fighting with myself...

I feel a deep rooted, highly heated volcano inside me, that doesn't allow me to rest with peace unless I achieve something substantial.

I set out on starting this blog a few months ago and there ended the whole story after a few posts.

Is this kind of attitude of mine ever going to fetch anything ?

Will I end up achieving what I want to, with this kind of attitude?

Discipline has been lacking very clearly in my life...

There is not even a single day, that leaves me satisfied in terms of my contribution to my MBA...

If this continues, I will finish myself, before my mind finishes me with trouble.....

One thing is loud and clear, I have been experiencing extreme uneasiness due to this.....

How nice would it be if I get back to my performing ways again and start moving on with my life...

Its said, its very difficult to make a start.

But I should add, its very difficult to even hold on after having made one.....

It calls for enormous persistence and determination.....

I have to do it, have to do it, have to do it, have to do it, have to do it, have to do it and have to do it coz' I just love it...