Enduring it at the moment
Yes, as the label clearly suggests, I'm enduring it at the moment only hoping to see light at the end of the tunnel. And guess what the time is at the moment? 2 am and am still unable to sleep at all. Was awake till 12:45 before deciding to sleep, but something is just stopping me from sleeping. Obviously the feeling has started playing on me very strongly, of late. The feeling that it's high time I awoke and started focussing on my career, the burning desire to succeed and intense feeling to pursue my dream MBA. This is not letting me sleep at all.
I am just eagerly looking forward to that day when I would be released from the current project.
That would mean so much to me in terms of freedom at work and an opportunity to grow the way I want.
Amidst all this, the appraisal factor has also started affecting me a little.
After all the hard work to make the application take off strongly, not even getting an opportunity to hear good things about myself wrt the application is very painful.
Ironically, to make things seem even more stupid, the appraisal would be handled by a person who doesn't neither know the gravity of the issues addressed nor has seen me the things that I worked on. Most importantly, he doesn't know the kind of important contributions I have made to the application. It really feels bad to know something of this sort.
The certification yet to be completed and the task of 2 documents to be submitted to KShop have been worrying me too.
And things have not been progressing an inch on all these fronts due to the unpleasant feeling that has set in due to the new project.
I have to address and close al these issues soon to elbow myself into the future that beckoi
Monday, November 19, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
Yesterday was Diwali and I was not at home celebrating it.
Reason : Project related work worrying me and my future staring into my face.
Mental Agony is what is making me blog and the time now is 3 AM in the morning. wasn't able to sleep until about 3 even yesterday. What is this life ?
How long will the same thing continue..
I ve just been punishing myself like this for a long long time now.
The problem is when I think of attaining something in life, I become over-obsessed with it and it usually take its toll on me.
The reason once again in this case is pertinent to my closest thing to my heart, as it has always been, MBA. I am literally passionate about it. Very much.
I have had a see-saw of emotions as I have passed thro' many phases to reach where I am now and still staring down the barrel still unsure and uncertain about how I go to my destination.
A very recent decision of mine is proving out to be digging my own grave gradually as the change in project that I asked for many times is becoming a nightmare day after day and I have started hating it very much.
Is it because I am over-ambitious that I am facing all these issues. Sometimes I ask for too much from myself without knowing the feasibility of the same.
Had i drawn a line before by thinking about the whole scenario, could i have avoided this?
Perhaps, yes.... but it is easier said than done.
The problem is that I asked for a project change to prove myself as a leader thro' some kind of team accomplishments in my new project.
But, it seems like it has boomeranged on me for various reasons.
1. The technical deficiency wrt the new project as compared to my old internal project has started doing me in gradually. I am feeling really down and disappointed in my new project.
Considering this, how can I quickly establish myself and keep pushing and motivating myself to keep performing.
The zeal for the same is gradualy disappearing as the focus has slowly taken a different track which is my higher studies now.
2. The client project is a different ball game altogether and I am definitely going to take quite some time to get used to that rigour and I have just disturbed myself from a fully stable position to a very volatile and unstable one which I am at the moment.
Who should I blame for this ? :(
3. To add fuel to fire, the atmosphere at my new project is not all that welcome. :(
Is it because I am not an extrovert ? Partly, yes.
But, there is more to it than this. The new project team and the account people do n't have an embracing attitude to make inway for a new comer.
The Manager especially is one I am hating the most. He doesn't take me into confidence and that puts me off at the very first intant.
His attitude as a leader is very very poor.
There is a huge communication gap between him and the team.
He does n't clarify things clearly when approached to ask about anything and gets involved in his work.
He doesn't make the team members feel important.
He underminds me in meetings, mails, listening to pleas and other things turning to me lastly, to say/ listen-to anything.
He doesn't communicate everything to me. :(
"THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM " were the words used when told the reason for falling behind schedule.
I really fear aproaching him for anything as he has a pre-conceived notion about me that I am a liability and not an asset to the project. :(
He expects too much of us and me and it being a new kind of work, is becoming really tough to match his expectations.
I had come to the new project to carve a niche for myself in the new one like I have in the old one with a fresh start and win the confidence of my new manager and script atleast a little success story at my new project that I can take home as a value-add and eventually proving a point for my role change, that is quite critical for my career aspiration to be fulfilled
To add to it,
I don't feel important at my new project.
I don't feel I am contributing something concrete that gives me a sense of satisfaction.
I am forced to learn all new things that I am totally against at this juncture in my career.
I am not getting to lead even in a little way but instead finding it tough myself to survive here.
I am not geting personal time to think and plan about myself.
I am not able to focus even a little on my favorite thing Toastmasters and all. :((
With everything going against me this way,.......... ( I realy need not fill this in :( :( :(.......... )
It's 4 now.
Wrapping it up admonishing myself that it is imperative I addressed these issues at the earliest.
Backing myself, I am off to sleep now.
Reason : Project related work worrying me and my future staring into my face.
Mental Agony is what is making me blog and the time now is 3 AM in the morning. wasn't able to sleep until about 3 even yesterday. What is this life ?
How long will the same thing continue..
I ve just been punishing myself like this for a long long time now.
The problem is when I think of attaining something in life, I become over-obsessed with it and it usually take its toll on me.
The reason once again in this case is pertinent to my closest thing to my heart, as it has always been, MBA. I am literally passionate about it. Very much.
I have had a see-saw of emotions as I have passed thro' many phases to reach where I am now and still staring down the barrel still unsure and uncertain about how I go to my destination.
A very recent decision of mine is proving out to be digging my own grave gradually as the change in project that I asked for many times is becoming a nightmare day after day and I have started hating it very much.
Is it because I am over-ambitious that I am facing all these issues. Sometimes I ask for too much from myself without knowing the feasibility of the same.
Had i drawn a line before by thinking about the whole scenario, could i have avoided this?
Perhaps, yes.... but it is easier said than done.
The problem is that I asked for a project change to prove myself as a leader thro' some kind of team accomplishments in my new project.
But, it seems like it has boomeranged on me for various reasons.
1. The technical deficiency wrt the new project as compared to my old internal project has started doing me in gradually. I am feeling really down and disappointed in my new project.
Considering this, how can I quickly establish myself and keep pushing and motivating myself to keep performing.
The zeal for the same is gradualy disappearing as the focus has slowly taken a different track which is my higher studies now.
2. The client project is a different ball game altogether and I am definitely going to take quite some time to get used to that rigour and I have just disturbed myself from a fully stable position to a very volatile and unstable one which I am at the moment.
Who should I blame for this ? :(
3. To add fuel to fire, the atmosphere at my new project is not all that welcome. :(
Is it because I am not an extrovert ? Partly, yes.
But, there is more to it than this. The new project team and the account people do n't have an embracing attitude to make inway for a new comer.
The Manager especially is one I am hating the most. He doesn't take me into confidence and that puts me off at the very first intant.
His attitude as a leader is very very poor.
There is a huge communication gap between him and the team.
He does n't clarify things clearly when approached to ask about anything and gets involved in his work.
He doesn't make the team members feel important.
He underminds me in meetings, mails, listening to pleas and other things turning to me lastly, to say/ listen-to anything.
He doesn't communicate everything to me. :(
"THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM " were the words used when told the reason for falling behind schedule.
I really fear aproaching him for anything as he has a pre-conceived notion about me that I am a liability and not an asset to the project. :(
He expects too much of us and me and it being a new kind of work, is becoming really tough to match his expectations.
I had come to the new project to carve a niche for myself in the new one like I have in the old one with a fresh start and win the confidence of my new manager and script atleast a little success story at my new project that I can take home as a value-add and eventually proving a point for my role change, that is quite critical for my career aspiration to be fulfilled
To add to it,
I don't feel important at my new project.
I don't feel I am contributing something concrete that gives me a sense of satisfaction.
I am forced to learn all new things that I am totally against at this juncture in my career.
I am not getting to lead even in a little way but instead finding it tough myself to survive here.
I am not geting personal time to think and plan about myself.
I am not able to focus even a little on my favorite thing Toastmasters and all. :((
With everything going against me this way,.......... ( I realy need not fill this in :( :( :(.......... )
It's 4 now.
Wrapping it up admonishing myself that it is imperative I addressed these issues at the earliest.
Backing myself, I am off to sleep now.
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